#16 – Random5, or Who’s Random Now?

Just thought of another thing…I’m not too sure what it means…*

These random posts are easier than coming up with other actual fully formed thoughts and ideas.  Well, you know that’s not true.  I always have at between 1 and 1 tons worth of ideas to write down.  These random-type posts don’t really require too much thought, though, so here are more half formed thoughts and ideas from my continuing list of randomness…

201.  Old dudes wearing their pants high up over their waists.  I laughed at them just like you did.  I get it now, though.  The bigger the belly expands the higher the pants need to be worn to keep them from falling down.  My pants want to fall down so I keep pulling them up higher.  I guess that makes me an old dude and it’s not so funny anymore.

202.  The English language continues to baffle me.  I think someone invented it as a joke.  What’s up with all the silent letters?  The word often – really need the t?  For what?  What’s the deal with a silent K?  Salmon?  Dumb?  Why isn’t’ dummy ‘dummby’ then?  Gnome?  What about words with gh?  Though, straight, might, right – why aren’t they spelled how they sound?

203.  What’s wrong with saying mooses?  Or fishes?  Or gooses?  Or sheeps?  I know, it’s not correct, but how can something be singular and plural at the same time?

204.  Why not just make up a new word?  Knight and night?  Son and sun?  Right and write?  Eye and I?  There seems to be an infinite number of letter combinations they could have used to make different words.  Like eyes could be called head-balls.  Night could be dark-day.  Son could be mini-male.  But then we should probably come up with another word for mail.  Didn’t they used to call it the post or something?  Did they just give up?  Words bother me to no end.  I think maybe it was aliens screwing with us.

205.  Speaking of aliens, how do remote controls work?  Or Wi-Fi?  Cell phones?  Television and radio?  Satellites?  And before you tell me how they work, ask yourself – should they work?  Can you imagine going back in time and trying to explain all of these things to someone?  You’d be burned at the stake for being a witch or something.  They may work, but I think information that flies through the air from one spot to another is some kind of alien technology at best, magic at worst.  We’re not smart enough to come up with this stuff on our own.

206.  I’ve been kind of off sports for a while now.  Here are sports that I would watch and wish there were professional leagues for:  badminton, team handball, tetherball, foursquare, ping pong, floor hockey, handball and/or racquetball.  Maybe pinball could be a sport.  I don’t know if it would translate to TV but I think it’d be cool live.  I don’t think the movie Dodgeball was particularly good (Vince Vaughn has not been in a good movie since Swingers – Wedding Crashers was ok I guess.  Ok, Old School was awesome but Vince Vaughn is still a doughy hack) but I would totally watch a dodgeball professional league.  I think all of those would be more fun than, say golf or track.  Oooh, look, we’re running, we’re running!

207.  Why do women have to wear the tight shorts for volleyball?  Or little skirts for tennis?  They should wear whatever the men get to wear if they want.  Or maybe we should make them switch for awhile.  The women could wear whatever they want and the men would have to wear super tight shorts.

208.  Speaking of tight shorts, is there anything worse than guys in bicycle shorts?  I guess I understand it for professional cycling – they need to be as aerodynamic as possible.  But if you just like cycling, even if you are in a club or whatever – why?  Why why why?  Dude, no one wants to see that.  Men in bicycle shorts make me alternately uncomfortable and hysterical.  The bulges, oh the bulging in the shorts.  Stop it please, just stop it.

209.  I wonder if Long Duk Dong from the movie Sixteen Candles continued to see his “sexy” girlfriend after the movie was over.  I mean Molly Ringwald got a happy ending.  Didn’t Long deserve one?  Or did Grandma and a Grandpa send him back to the Orient?  I think a sequel to Sixteen Candles would/should/could have been all about Long and what happened after.  I mean he crashed Grandma and a Grandpas car – do you think they could just go back to how it was before with Dong mowing the lawn and doing all the other chores they made him do?

210.  When John Hughes wrote Sixteen Candles did it not occur to him how racist the Long Duk Dong character was?  In the history of movies, that character has to be at least in the top 20 of stereotyped/racist characters.  Long Duk Dong is a pretty funny name, though.

211.  Are olives a fruit or vegetable?  What exactly is the definition/difference between a fruit and vegetable?  My whole childhood and beyond I thought a tomato was a vegetable.  Then at some point it became a fruit?  What’s a potato, exactly?

212.  No one says tom-AH-to or pot-AH-to.  We say po-TA-to and to-MA-to.  That song makes absolutely no sense.

213.  I feel like at some point, at our current rate, we’ll run out of room for both garbage and places to bury our dead.  Honestly, what’s the deal with cemeteries?  When’s the last time you visited one?  Whoever you are visiting is not there, not really.  If you really needed to visit something, couldn’t you put a plaque or something in your yard and hang out there?  I guess burying people in a specific place is fine, but what’s up with the caskets and everything?  Seems to be a whole lot of money to spend on something for a one time use.  Do we really need a little container for a dead person?  My wife and I have discussed it before and I do not want to be in a casket.  I do not want to be on display.  I’d prefer cremation but the thought of it, even though I know I won’t feel it, still scares me a little bit.  I don’t know, maybe just leave me where I fall down.  Or maybe take me to a taxidermist, stuff me, and put me back on the couch?  Maybe let’s combine the garbage and the cemeteries and use the extra space for like low income housing or something.  Or maybe a team handball field.

214.  I guess #213 can be seen as a little disrespectful and but I don’t really mean it that way.  But it’s not really that hard to visit someone you love who has passed.  Close your eyes and think about them for a minute and there they are.

215.  This whole election thing though – lots of time and money being spent.  I understand we need to get to know the candidates and their views and platforms at all.  Seems like they could spend just a little less.  Imagine what we could do with that money.

216.  Like the general Presidential (does Presidential have to be capitalized or is presidential right?) election is on one specific day.  Why are the primary elections not just on one day country-wide?  Why does it drag on, and on, and on…or conversely, why don’t we do the general election state by state?  Please explain.

217.  We tend to marginalize or label conspiracy theorists as ‘crazy’ and dismiss their theories.  I know that not all theories on conspiracies are true.  They are marginalized on purpose, though, so people do not believe in the ones that actually have happened.

218.  I’ve been down this road before but I have to ask again – what is a chicken?  Is a rooster a chicken?  Is a hen?  Is a chicken always a female?  Or is a rooster a male chicken and a hen a female chicken?  What about cows?  Is a bull a cow?  Why do some animals have male and female designations and some do not?  Or do they all and I’m just not aware?  A female dog is a bitch?  What’s a male dog called?  Is a cat just a cat?  Squirrel?  Mouse?

219.  I like and eat meat.  I think one day, though, I should be a vegetarian.  Because what if animals are self aware?  We have no qualms about eating pigs and cows and chickens and turkeys.  But we don’t (most of us don’t, anyway) eat dogs and cats and gerbils and hamsters and stuff.  But why not?  Because dogs and cats are cute?  Because they exhibit loyalty and personality?  Pigs are actually really smart.  Why should we eat them but not dogs?  Maybe dogs are really delicious.  I’m not advocating, I don’t think.  I’m just saying maybe we should think about it a little more.  (Full disclosure – I work at a plant that makes pork products.  I can’t really be a vegetarian or whatever without being a huge hypocrite.  So I don’t think I can stop eating meat until I don’t work there.  But it’s a good company and they have treated me well so what’s a guy to do?)

220.  What’s the line between selling out and being realistic?  When is it ok to trade your ideals and your dreams and how you really feel for safety and comfort?  Is it ok to settle?  Do we settle because it’s easier?

Just thought of a thousand things…broken ideas and paper dreams…*

221.  They created highways and interstates to make travel across the country easier.  When I drive them, I wonder about the land that surrounds them.  Who owns that land?  Could I build a house there?  Can I claim it?  Can I create a new city or country?  I think I would name it Awesomelandia and only awesome stuff would happen there.  What about the desert?  Is there a way to ever create a new city or are we stuck with the ones we have?

222.  If you believe that so called “political correctness” has gone too far, what exact words would you like to say that you aren’t “allowed” to say now?

223.   I’ve tried not to follow this presidential race too closely, mostly because I have views and I doubt any of the candidates other than the one I think should be president will change my mind so it’s kind of a waste of time for me.  So if Donald Trump has explained how he will make America great again, I missed it.  But if he hasn’t, I’d like to know specifically what is the ‘great’ period of time in American history he is referring to and how we will get there.  I’m not saying he’s wrong (he probably is) because I don’t know what he’s talking about.  I just want to know so I can judge for myself whether the time he is talking about really was great and if I want to return to it.

224.  It’s ok to have different views on things – I mean, it’s America, we’re supposed to be able to without retribution.  I think we’re all just too mean to people that don’t have the same views we have.  Disagree.  Just don’t hurt anyone in the process.

225.  If there’s one thing I’ve learned, always have plausible deniability at the ready just in case.

226.  If you find yourself saying something like “Back in my day” or “These kids today” or “That wouldn’t have/didn’t happen back then” stop yourself.  Things back in your day were as fucked as they are now.  You don’t have to like something now, like all the technology or whatever, and you don’t have to learn how to use it.  But if you find yourself saying things like that you’re just going to sound old.  Nostalgia is not a bad thing in smaller doses.  But just because it happened differently or you liked the way you experienced something better does not inherently make that thing or time period better.

227.  I’d suggest trying to adapt.  Keep moving forward or stagnate.  I think when they say “you’re only as old as you feel” or “age is just a number” that it’s kind of crap.  I feel as old as I am.  My number is probably right on.  But maybe what they mean is don’t get fixed on the past.  It’s ok to look back, but explore and wonder and think about stuff the same way you did when you were younger.

228.  I’m on #228 here and not always sure that I’m not repeating myself.  I probably am.  If I didn’t mention it already, thought, I’d like to tell you that what doesn’t kill you does not necessarily make you stronger.  Actually that phrase is kind of nonsense  and people should maybe stop saying it.  I do like Kelly Clarkson a little bit though and her song is fine even if it does not make sense.  I also like the part in the movie The 40-year old Virgin when Steve Carell goes to get his chest hair waxed off and it hurts so much that he starts yelling out random words and phrases and he screams out “Kelly Clarkson” for no real reason when the woman rips off the wax and his hair the first time.  It’s funny.

229.  I like movies.  In general I don’t find them very realistic though. Not in a superhero’s don’t really exist kind of way.  Even movies that are based on real events are not really that realistic.  I think it’s the dialogue.  There’s not enough “um’s” or pauses or words said incorrectly or mumbling.  People don’t not hear each other enough.  There’s not enough burping or farting or downtime.  People in movies don’t use the bathroom enough.  I’m not saying any of that would make for a better movie.  I would like someone to make a movie of someone just going through a day.  Like getting up, going to work, driving, talking, coming home, watching TV, whatever their day entails.  I’m not saying it would be particularly good or successful but I think I’d watch it.

230.  Why is the phrase ‘laying and egg’ said to represent a fail or something bad?  How did that originate?  Laying an egg gives us food and eggs are a in a lot of foods.  Seems ok to lay an egg.

231.  Do you say ‘AAA-gg’ or ‘EH-gg’?  It seems like the latter would be more phonetically correct but I think more people say the former.  ‘EH-gg’ sounds weird and I don’t like it.

232.  Also, do you pronounce the word milk as m-I-lk or m-E-lk?  The word is so clearly meant to be pronounced with an i and when people say it with an E it actually (literally?) hurts my ears.  I actually have to collect myself when they say it before the conversation can resume.

233.  I don’t know if this happens where your work, but three of the most often repeated phrases where I work are ‘Living the dream’, ‘It is what it is,’ and ‘Another day in paradise.’  I’m never going to, but the next person who says one of those at work I would like to punch in the face.  If someone says good morning to you and asks how you are doing, just say ok or fine.  Do not say ‘Living the dream’ or ‘Another day in paradise.’  It’s not funny or clever and when I’m asking you what’s up or how’s it going I don’t really want to know I’m just trying to be polite.  Oh, I punched you in the face?  Sorry, it is what it is.

234.  I don’t care what you tell me but spontaneous human combustion cannot possibly be a real thing.

235.  I like all different kinds of music.  My guide is usually hear music then like or don’t like the music.  I try not to think about it too much.  But I do not, I actually think I hate rock ballads.  Stop it!  You can shove your November Rain right up your ass.

236.  I try not to be a word snob or whatever but I guess I kind of am.  You can say the phrase ‘most definitely’ but I’m telling you that when you do you sound stupid.  I’m sorry, it’s just the way it is.  I’m sure there are tons of things I say that are not correct or bother people, but the word ‘definitely’ sums up how you feel without the ‘most’.  I don’t know that there are degrees of definite.  You don’t need to add ‘most’ to something that already is the most.  Definite has the most built into its definition.

237.  Out of all the inventions, how about we give it up for indoor plumbing.  I can’t imagine using an outhouse.  And what if it was super cold out?  How about waking up in the middle of the night, peeing in a ‘chamber pot’, putting the filled pot under the bed or whatever, and going back to sleep?  How did people not die of smells?  “Back in my day we didn’t have this new-fangled plumbing.  We crapped wherever we had to and we liked it!  It’s what made America great!”

238.  It’s a trinity.  Maybe it’s not Holy.  But the threesome of Snark, Irony and Sarcasm is a trinity I can really get behind.

239.  I like superheroes and comics and stuff, as I mentioned.  But really, aren’t all of them unnecessary if you have Superman?  Seems like Superman can take care of most of it.  Jesus, don’t get me started on Aquaman.

240.  Scooby-Doo.  Oh, I have questions.

  • So, he’s a talking dog.  If you watch the show he interacts with other animals but they do not talk.  Let’s assume Scooby is the only animal that can talk.  Don’t you think he’d be famous and not riding around in the Mystery Machine?  Don’t you think he’d be studied and be a miracle and would be interviewed and everyone would know who he was?
  • Whose dog is he?  Shaggy’s?  Fred’s?  After the mystery is solved, who does he go home with?  Or since he’s a sentient self aware talking dog, can he have his own place?  And if one of the gang is his ‘owner’ shouldn’t Scooby be resentful that he’s ‘owned?’
  • Are the Scooby Gang private detectives?  Do they get paid for solving the mysteries?  It seems to me they’re just driving around and they happen upon the mysteries and then solve them.  If that’s the case, where were they going?  Where are they always going?  Are they just driving around the country aimlessly?  And if they do not get paid how are they or who is fronting the whole operation?  How do they pay for gas and food and stuff?
  • Why don’t they have any luggage or changes of clothes or supplies or anything?  Do they ever stay overnight or do their adventures just happen around where they live?  If they’re just driving around wouldn’t the Mystery Machine smell really bad at some point?  Or do they clean it out after every adventure?
  • Wait – where do they live?  How old are they? Where are they from?  Are they in high school?  Where are their parents?  Do they have any other friends?  How did they get together in the first place?  Are they runaways?
  • If Scooby has his own apartment or whatever and he gets paid for helping to solve the mysteries, does he have to pay taxes?  Does he go grocery shopping?
  • Scooby has siblings and relatives.  They all talk.  Is there an ancient and magical line of Doo’s that go back to the earliest days?  A line of talking dogs that no one has really noticed?  How did they start talking?  Is Scooby and X-Man, or an X-Dog or an X-animal?  Maybe he and his line are mutants, their only power being that of speech.
  • If the Doo’s are the only animals that can talk, how come other people that hear them are never like, “Holy crap, DID THAT DOG JUST TALK?”  If other animals don’t talk, I think the whole show would be about that.  Everyone would forget about the silly mystery and focus on the TALKING DOG.
  • Scooby is a Great Dane.  Do other Great Danes talk or just the Doo’s?
  • Are Scooby snacks dog treats or just like crackers or whatever?  So is Shaggy eating dog biscuits?
  • Velma seems really smart.  It seems like she could be doing something great with her life.  She could be a scientist or whatever.  So why is she hanging out with the Scooby Gang.  What’s wrong with her?
  • Fred and that ascot tho.  Maybe Fred’s from an old wealthy family and they all wear fancy ascots.  Maybe they are funding the operation.
  • Fred and Daphane are fucking, right?
  • Where does Scooby, since he’s basically a human in a dogs body, go to the bathroom?  Does he actually use a bathroom or does he just raise up and pee against a tree?  If he has all these human characteristics, wouldn’t he be self conscious about it?  Shouldn’t he at least be wearing a little pair of pants or some kind of coverup?
  • Why oh why Scrappy-Doo?  Scrappy-Doo is like cousin Oliver from The Brady Bunch or Leonardo Dicaprio in Grwoing Pains or the baby brother from Family Ties and on and on…and unnecessary younger character added on at the end of a shows lifespan to try and freshen or revitalize said show.  Scrappy-Doo sucked.
  • Seriously, fuck Scrappy-Doo and fuck Puppy Power.  They should have killed off that little shit.
  • Someone should totally make a Scooby-Doo origin story movie.  But not necessarily a comedy.  It should be gritty and real with a lot of long awkward pauses and everyone going to the bathroom all of the time.

241.  Grey or gray.  They’re the same, aren’t they?  If they are, do you mean to tell me there are two words that sound the same and have the same definition but are spelled differently?  Why?  What the…@$&-(;:@…AAARRGH….!!!!!!!!

Hey that’s it for now.  If you made it this far congratulations!  If you did like and comment.  Tell me you made it all the way through and maybe I’ll send you a certificate or something to commemorate the occasion.  Maybe, but probably not.  Wading through all of this nonsense is probably reward enough.

*The two quotes contained in this post are lyrics from an unknown and inconsequential mid-90’s alternative rock band out of Milwaukee called Big Mother Gig.  The song is called ‘Falling Upside Down’.  I knew the dudes in the band and have been listening to them lately.  Hopefully more to come on all that.  They apparently have a website where you can hear listen to them if you’re in the mood for some obscure ’90’s music that very few have ever head of:  http://bigmothergig.com/.  Check out the music and connect to their Facebook Page. 

KELLY CLARKSON!!

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4 thoughts on “#16 – Random5, or Who’s Random Now?”

  1. I usually reply that I’m reconnecting from the dream, so leave me alone. Sometimes I add MF.

  2. Read (note: same spelling for present and past tense) the whole blog. Definitely with you on 213; and election stuff except too sick of all the election stuff to care or even want to comment. Love your interest in language. 237 made me laugh. Curious to know more about 225; made me laugh too – that “knowing” kind. I’d like to see a whole blog on 220. Finally, think I hear your point(s) on 226/27 and largely agree. Additional thought I had was to remember the corollary -just because a value or practice was from the past doesn’t automatically make it useless or irrelevant. Thinking of you!

  3. I made it all the way through the end, as I always do. Found myself chuckling and smiling for some but wanting to get into a dialog about others, like #227. Keep moving forward is a good thought but you also need to keep active and lively so you don’t become the old crabby or a potato head (what is a potato head really?) “Live”!

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