#19 – Upgrade

 

Jesus, if we could only stop arguing about bullshit for one minute.

Every moment is the best and the worst moment.  We get caught up in the moment – these moments and think that the moment is special and unique, good or bad, that our time is the best and worst, better than all of the others, worse than all the others.

I suppose sometimes that is the case.  Probably, though, we’ve been through this before.  Maybe not this exact moment, but something like it.

Every moment is unique, every person is unique.  No moment is unique, and maybe we’re not all so unique.

I wish we could back up a bit.  Maybe not see such a micro view of this moment, but zoom out and try to see the totality of it all.  I think this particular moment is important, but every moment, the series of moments before have added up t0 this very moment.  If we could look at things, moments, events in a macro view maybe we could look back at the root cause of things, issues, problems of the day.

But I’m always, have always been like that.  I think I’m unique and different.  I think we all think that we are unique and different.  I know that in the past, the very recent past even, that I found fault in what made me different.  We all tell ourselves how unique we are, yet we crave familiarity.  We want acceptance and approval.  We seek out like minded people at best.  At worst we conform to what others think lest we feel too different.  We do tend to judge and exclude people because of their differences, their beliefs, their heritage, anything and everything.  I am unique.  You are unique.  Yet we’re afraid, terrified really, of being found too different from the norm, whatever that particular norm may be.

At least that’s how I’ve felt, how I felt for so long.  I would actually wonder if something was wrong with me – why can’t I be like everyone else?  Why can’t I just be and not worry about every little thing.  I’d get caught up in what was popular, what was cool, what was of the moment and wonder why I wasn’t a part of it.  Why were my thoughts and beliefs so different from everyone else’s?

They’re probably not so different then some, or of most.  I’m not really sure, but it doesn’t bother me anymore.  People can think what they want.  I do not crave acceptance anymore.  I don’t worry so much what people are thinking of me, or if they are thinking of me at all.  I’m going to say what I want and do what I want and if you do not like it that’s fine.  I think people want to be secure in who they are but so much tells us that we should not be – not be who we are, not look like what we look like, not believe what we believe.  We pretend to celebrate our differences, but we don’t, not really.  We’re too good at putting each other down for our differences for whatever reason.  We like to tear down instead of build up.

I can’t be torn down anymore, though.  I did it myself, torn it down, ripped it into tiny pieces and slowly, so slowly put it back together again.  It’s not perfect and the puzzle will not ever be complete, but I’m feeling – I feel secure in what I say and in saying what I want to say.  You can agree or not – that’s not something I can control.  You can judge the way I look or I act – that’s not something I can control.  I control me and that’s it.  I’m more comfortable in my own skin then I’ve ever been.

That’s not to say that I know anything.  I know what I know and think what I think and it’s not for everyone.  And I’m not always perfect at it but I try consciously to take others thoughts and opinions and actions in to consideration.  Different viewpoints are not bad.  Difference is not bad.  Making someone feel bad for their differences is bad, though.  Differences of opinions are healthy, I think, until they are used to suppress or oppress difference in others.

In regards to this moment – you can say that black lives matter.  You can also say, with your next breath, that cops lives matter or that all lives matter.  Because you say one does not preclude the other.  We’re so good at taking sides.  We’re so good at expressing our opinions as absolutes.  It’s possible, though, that both sides, all sides may have something of importance to say.

How will we ever get out of the goddamnn awful shitty messes that we’ve made?  I sure do not have the answers.  I only have thoughts and opinions.  Something started all of it, though, and if we could take a step back and look at what started them, instead of always living moment to moment, issue to issue, crisis to crisis, maybe we tear it down, piece by piece and try to reconstruct it.  It would be a ton of work and everyone would have their opinions and it would not be easy.  Not exactly a do-over, I don’t think.  More like a reboot or an upgrade.  A new version.  Life, 2.o.