It’s finally my turn. Sister#1 goes on April 14th. Brother goes on April 21st.
That was then and this is now. It’s my birthday!!
Since we measure our time on Earth in years, then congratulations to me on making it around the sun for the 45th time. I’m beginning my 46th journey around the sun. Hope to complete another one! I mean, that’s the goal, right?
I think birthday’s are awesome. Everyone’s birthday should be a holiday. Well, everyone’s birthday shouldn’t be a holiday for everyone, ’cause then nothing would get done and no one would work. Everyday would be a holiday.
But if it’s your birthday, I think you should get a paid day off. Or a day off of school. You should celebrate it however you want, with whomever you want.
Birthday’s aren’t special – everyone has one, even if you don’t remember when it is. (I wonder when we started tracking the actual day of a person’s birth. If you didn’t know the day, how would you know how old you were? If you didn’t know how old you were, would it matter how old you were? Can you imagine if you didn’t know how old you were? If everyone else knew how old they were but you didn’t, wouldn’t it bother you? Would you make it up or guess or approximate? Maybe you could get an X-Ray or an MRI or something – could they count the rings like they do for trees? If a tree doesn’t fall in the woods, can you tell how old it is?) But people are special, or at least you should be special to yourself., so you should treat the day of your birth as such.
If I was ever in a position to make the decision (believe me, I won’t be – no one is foolish to let me be ‘in charge’ or the boss of anyone) I would mandate that my employees, or citizens, or pupils or whatever I was in charge of had the day of their birth off.
I’d actually be a great boss. At least, the people would love me and they would make a lot of money. Until the business went bankrupt, because I’d care more about the employees well-being than I would the profits. So in the end I’d probably end up hurting them. Something about hell and intentions and how the road to get there is paved, or something line that…
So I’ve stayed alive for another year. Minimum goal achieved!
Not really what I wanted to cover, though, so the birthday talk, as fun as it is, has ended.
To keep it, things, life interesting I try and make sure that I minimally keep myself amused. I find things funny or amusing or mildly interesting that others very well may not. That’s ok.
I do like to think I’m funny, or amusing, or interesting, though. I think most people think that about themselves, and that’s cool. What you think is funny or amusing or interesting may not really do it for other people, and if you are trying to be those things for those other people you may strike out occasionally.
So while some of these words I’ve been typing may have caused you to grin, or to laugh or to pause in thoughtful reflection, I realize that that is not always going to be the case. And while I do seek your approval, sometimes, just to keep myself interested in taking another trip around the sun, it’s enough to keep myself entertained with these blogs, or with my shtick in real life. Listen, I’m freaking hilarious, here and for real.
But I’m like a volume shooter in basketball. My points per game average is among the lead leaders for sure. But my shooting percentage is not. My theory on being funny, or amusing, or interesting is to throw as much at people as I can. Eventually something will stick. The hope is always that they’ll remember the game winning shot and not all the missed shots that kept the game close in the first place.
I keep swinging!
And all of the exposition above (always, always my enemy) is just prelude so that I can present to you a list of Burts, or Berts, because it’s my birthday, and ‘Burt-Day‘ rhymes with ‘Birthday.’ And when I thought of that it made me giggle a little, that they rhymed. And I thought the Berts/Burts of the word are surely underrepresented, mostly because it’s not a good name (sorry, anyone named Burt/Bert) so here it as and so WTF.
Bert is the most kind of Bert out of all the Berts/Burts. I think words in general, though they have meaning, can kind of lose that meaning if you say the word over and over, especially without any context. Take Bert/Burt, for example. Try saying either one out loud. You should say it for a minimum of 5 times. But you should repeat it as long as it takes to start to sound funny. Before long it just sounds like gibberish. It sounds made up.
Did you do it? Tell me I’m wrong.
Bert is short for a lot of names. It can be short for Robert, Herbet, Gilbert, Norbert, Bertram and Albert, among others. I think it that except for Robert and maybe Albert, those names are pretty unfortunate and I’d go with Bert too. I mean, those are some odd white people names. I know it’s a thing (a thing we shouldn’t to and is vaguely racist, but I digress) to mock some African-American names that white people would never use, like maybe Latisha, or D’Shawyn (or D’anything, really) or Laqoun. But if we’re being real, would any non-white person ever EVER name their child Bert? Or Burt?
Really. No one is named Bert/Burt. It’s a boring, ridiculous name (again, sorry if your name is Bert/Burt. I’m sure you are a great person and you name is not your fault).
I guess Berts and Burts need a little recognition, if only just because they are so named. So again, happy Burt-Day!!!
Here’s the list. I tried, but couldn’t find too many of note. I’m sure there’s more, but the internet only gives what it wants to give.
9) Burt Hummel – a fictional Burt, played by Mike O’Malley on the FOX show ‘Glee‘. He played the mechanic Dad to one of the homosexual glee club kids. They make it seem like he’s not approving but he ends up to be a super cool supportive dad even though he’s all rough and blue collar-y. The only reason I know that is because my daughter recently watched the whole series on Netflix, and I would occasionally (ok, I watched most of them) join her. It’s a pretty good show, and I really liked the singing (who knew?). It was amusing to me sometimes that my daughter would fast forward through the songs, on a show that is about singing songs. It was too bad about the quarterback. He died in real life from a heroin overdose. They killed him off in the show too, but I didn’t see that episode so it’s like it never happened. (We couldn’t stop singing this song for a couple weeks)
8) Bert Convoy – who? No, you know who he was, especially if you remember the heyday of daytime TV Game Shows. He hosted a bunch of them, including Match Game and Password. Password was the bomb. There used to be so many dope game show hosts – Bob Barker, Wink Martindale, Chuck Woolery, Richard Dawson, etc. There’s still a lot out there, but once Alex Trebek and Pat Sajak is done, it’s all just replacements. (I do like Steve Harvey on Family Feud, especially when he gets frustrated or someone gives a ridiculous answer. Steve Harvey’s’ ok, and his mustache is awesome.)
7) Burt Ward – original TV Robin to Adam West’s Batman. He wrote a book where he claimed his dick was huge and him and West would get all kinds of play. I’m sure the latter was true at least, seeing as how that Batman show was a huge hit. The reason we had/have all the cool Batman movies today is a direct result of that TV show’s popularity, quality of said show notwithstanding.
6) Bert Blyleven – good major league pitcher for a lot of years and for a lot of teams, including the Minnesota Twins and Pittsburgh Pirates. I say ‘good’ instead of ‘great’ because he was not ‘great’ but they let him into the Baseball Hall of Fame anyway. He won a lot of games but lost a lot too. He struck out a lot of guys I guess. Have you ever heard of him? Unless your a super sports fan then probably not. They’ve been letting in a lot of guys that were just good. I think the standards are slipping, and now they’ve let in a few guys who may or may not have been on the steroids (looking at you, Ivan Rodriquez and Jeff Bagwell.) They don’t call it the Hall of Really Good Players or the Hall of Almost Legends but maybe they should. The Baseball Hall of Fame could be a whole other blog post, and if I cared about sports as much as I used to I’d write it. But I don’t. Side note, I’ll never be in the Hall of Anything, and these guys are, so who am I to judge? I’m sure, despite is name, that Bert Blyleven is a great guy so congratulations to him.
5) Burt Shavitz founder of Burt’s Bees – you know the guy, or the company anyway. They make all kinds of personal care products. They use all natural ingredients. The story of Burt’s Bees and Burt Shavitz is interesting, or so I’ve heard third hand. Just how he came up with the product and what happened to the company after. There’s a documentary about it on Netflix which a guy at work told me about and is currently in my saved list of things to watch. I haven’t yet, but hope to get to that and to many things on that never ending list sometime soon.
4) Burt Bacharach – singer. Really old. I don’t know much about him other than he plays the piano and had a bunch of hits. This clip from the original Austin Powers movie is most of my exposure to him. Easy listening kind of stuff – you’ve probably heard some of his songs, possibly while taking an elevator ride. He was a thing, I guess.
3) Burt Lancaster – actor. Again, before my time. He was in the movie Field of Dreams, which was one of my favorite movies when it came out. I’m not sure that movie still holds up, but it could be because sports is all I had back then, and as I’ve mentioned, I’ve moved on. But he’s ranked at #3 simply from this clip from the movie From Here to Eternity. I mean, that’s pretty hot, right? I don’t even know what that movie’s about, nor have I ever seen it. But we’ve all seen this clip, right? Also, I found this picture of him when he was younger. I can only picture him as an old man. I bet when he looked at his old man face in the mirror he’d think of the picture. He’d think, ‘Where has the time gone? That’s what I really look like!’ Or maybe he didn’t, but I would. I think as I age I’m going to look for pictures that I think best represent what I think I look like and show it to people, especially as I continue to get more gray and wrinkly and fat. Perhaps I’ll put a bag on my head, cut holes in it so I can breath, and tape the picture to the bag. That’s probably a good plan for my golden years.
2) Burt Reynolds – actor. Listen, Burt Reynolds should be #2 on anyone’s Bert/Burt list based solely on that laugh! And maybe this picture! I mean, he was a man. A man’s man, back when men had awesome mustaches, and chest hair, and wore Brut. That picture almost makes me wish I had more than the three hairs on my chest that I do have. I think I’d want to rub my hands into his chest hair, not in any sexual way but just to see what it feels like. Man, what a man. I liked the movie Boogie Nights, and thought that he should have serious drama movies like that his whole career. He was also in Smokey and the Bandit which I watched a lot on cable when I was a kid and I thought it was hilarious. In retrospect, Jackie Gleason’s casually racist sheriff (my whole family was in the Klan!) was not so funny. And I know that he was banging Gidget for awhile, so #2 it is!
1) Bert. Whatever they are to each other it doesn’t matter. Ernie’s Bert has a pointy yellow head with a full point of hair and the best eyebrows of any Bert, real or fictional. And I know he’s crabby a lot, but he has to take care of Ernie because it’s obvious that Ernie cannot take care of himself. Ernie gets to live a carefree life with his Rubber Duckie while Bert tends to the real world. I mean, we can all relate. Even Bert’s laugh can’t compare to Ernie’s. Bert is underrated and unappreciated. Just like all the Bert’s of the world. Ernie’s fun, but don’t sleep on Bert. Bert will take care of Ernie, and you, when you need it the most. So here’s to Bert.
And to Burt. And all the Burts/Berts. May you all have your day, especially it if is your birthday.
Happy Burt-Day everyone!! Lord in heaven I crack myself up!!